Tired

I am so tired of the yelling and screaming. I'm tired of how things go. I just want to be able to TALK. To communicate. It isn't fair to have no ability to speak about things that impact your life and your well being. I am not okay with living like this. With living like i don't matter. I'm tired of the impossibility of trust. I know I can never trust someone who lies to me and treats me like I am expendable. God, I deserve so much better than this.

I deserve to be loved as christ loved the church... He sacrificed his life for it, he gave everything with only a hope that they would return that gift with something worthy. I just feel like Stephen is selfish. Maybe I am too, but I have morals, and those morals tell me everything about this is wrong. The looking at other women, the cursing, the names...I can't take things as the are. I had hope Stephen would have come to know god by this point, I suppose I honestly haven't helped. I just want him to be someone that a nonbeliever has no concept or notion of how to be. I don't know what to do anymore

Today, he lied to me. He told me out of respect fr me he wasn't watching movies with naked women or stuff that would bother me. But "because we were fighting" he rented some move with scenes that could have been porn. It's just nt fair to be treated this way

Boyfriend

After a month and a half, yesterday Stephen finally agreed to be my boyfriend again. I'm slightly worried I scared him into it

Used

The moment you have to force yourself on a guy is the moment you know he is in no way interested in you whatsoever...true story. I feel used

Fight

Stephen hit the garage door and kicked a garbage can. I really don't understand why he was so angry. It doesn't make sense. He just went crazy. I yelled at him because we had plans to go to kings island and he shut his phone off and went back to sleep...then he tried to blow me off for the dance...I finally decided to come down so we could both do homework and then he goes crazy. I told him I didn't like him turning his phone off when he's mad, it's the equivalent of running away. It's not healthy to act like that. I wish he could control his anger...he really terrifies me when he is like that

study

gentleness and patience

"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience." -colossians 3:21

"Who, then, is the man that fears the lord? He will instruct him in the way chosen for him." -psalms 25:12

"If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the w orld." -John 15:19

He's my lobster

Phoebe: Hang in there. It's gonna happen!

Ross: Okay, now, how do you know that?

Phoebe: Because she's your lobster!

[At a loss, Ross looks at Chandler.]

Chandler: Oh, she's going somewhere.

Phoebe: Come on, you guys, it's a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You know what, you can actually see old lobster couples walking around their tank, you know, holding claws…

Scripture

"But the fruit of the spirit is LOVE, PEACE, PATIENCE, KINDNESS, GOODNESS, FAITHFULNESS, GENTLENESS, and SELF-CONTROL. Against such things there is no law."

Stephen

Talked to Stephen today for the first time since thursday. We're taking a break for a few weeks to figure things out and cool off...I don't know right now what will happen. I'm just going to focus on myself for the next few weeks

Weight

I hit the 100 lb mark...

Party

Last night i went to a bonfire at micah's. It was a good distraction. I finally sent Stephen a message and I hope It doesn't push him farther away. I told him I was working on myself and I knew we needed time apart, but I hoped he could see a future with me. I love him. And I feel like god put us together

Tough night

I contemplated very seriously committing suicide...matt and Becky pulled me through it. I'm too much of a coward...I'm afraid i wouldn't die and then I'd have to deal with the repercussions of my actions--forever scarred wrist ligaments, nerve damage, scars, social shunning, etc...

I cried in bible study and with Bethany. She has a huge mouth, but a great heart. I shouldn't have told get about things, but desperation to be told I would be okay drove me to reach out.

Stephen

I would really have given him anything...and honestly I know we would have eventually been as happy a we used to be if we would have stayed on this track...he just walked away for no reason today...I think the scare and the negative made him run honestly. There still is no definitive answer...he has decided he doesn't want me....why I really don't know...things were so much better...I don't know what to do...I feel like trying to plead my case that things and old feelings were coming up and that I could see us just as happy as before, but he didn't give it time

The last 3 weeks he's kept me at arms length and we can't make things better when you won't let me in...ugh...I wish I could have gotten that through to him

Same day same crap

He ended it and said he was done for good...I am not handling things well...it's so painful when you really think you've found the one and he doesn't feel that way about you...I know god is working and I really felt confidently he was the one...i'm just trying to have faith if it's meant to be, then he will come back into my life when we are ready. I'm not going to let it kill me inside right now...I need to have faith in god...

I have decided I may not go back to the counselor about the eating disorder...I only went because Stephen said I had to or he wouldn't even consider dating me...and now without the purpose to satisfy I feel like the purpose has shifted to me actually needing help...and the fact is, I don't really want help...i would rather waste away to nothingness...it's the only thing no one has control over except me...and I'm keeping it...

I really want this

I think I have hyperthyroidism...I really do. I think I'm dying.

I desperately want to marry stephen honestly...I love him so much...and it's killing me to be in this position. I put on a ring of my step mom's and I couldn't take it off...all I want is to get married and live happily ever after. I dont know why it can't be that simple ugh.

It's frustrating

I went down to Stephen's last night and we had a good night; but at the end of the night, like last time he just went to his own bedroom after I put a lot of effort into getting there early, cleaning and setting up a cute tent thing in the guest bedroom. And then he just went to bed without even caring...

I went and tried to sleep in the car because I didn't want to support him being so bossy and controlling. He just told me he was going to bed and ignored me after I wnt to all that trouble of making a nice night.

Ugh. We took a nap together in his bed...still no touching, but he did tell me he wasn't opposed to me cuddling him because I told him "you better get up or I'll cuddle you til you do, and you don't want me to cuddle you." he smiled and said he never said that. It's quite confusing for me.

I try so hard and I'm still always at arm's length.

Timeline

It took me 6 months to date him because he looked like an asshole

It took me a month and a half of dating to put a title on things and to kiss him

It took me 3-4 months to tell him I loved him

But it took us no time at all to flirt, to touch, to be close...this is torture being always an arms length away. You either want someone or you don't. And I genuinely feel that if you want someone there is no way you can't be longing to touch them or hold them or kiss them...this whole relationship is crap right now. I'm not letting him jerk me around anymore. I'm done being jerked around! I gave him an ultimatum last night and I'm going to hold to it. He needs to make a decision. Either he wants me or he doesn't. I'm done with the in-between. I'm not letting him play with my head anymore. That is not going to happen again. I am making him make a decision. I don't know what I will do if he doesnt choose me, but I am done with the inbetween bullshit. It's killing me

Done

I am done playing cat and mouse. I'm not chasing someone who doesn't want me.

Frisbee bruised wrist

Ugh. I busted the veins in my wrist tonight at practice. It hurts

Set up the new tv

After months and months and months of owning this tv I finally set it up.

Stephen and I had a big argument today. I hate how I just let him walk all over me by the end of the day...we had plans, he waited til 5:30 to call me, eventhough you can't fish at night. 5:30...and so obviously I was angry. By the end of the fight, it was another of Stephen's infamous "I don't want to talk about 'what I've done wrong', you were bitching at me" scenarios. And he threatened to end it again, as always when I get mad over him doing things wrong. It's just not fair to be put through this over and over again. The fight was just slightly smoothed over at 1:10 in the morning...he spent 8 hours running and avoiding me, or yelling at me and saying it was my fault. He ruined the entire night for both of us.

Frisbee

Played in my first frisbee tournament today. I scored two points. We won the whole thing. It was amazing.

Working on those vet school essays

General personal statement for me VMCAS application:

​The sun reflected off the water by the pools, the smell of salt water and fish heavy in the air, as I, along with two other interns, gathered around a trainer kneeling beside Cindy the dolphin. Questions flowed forth from the students seeking pearls of wisdom from this fount of knowledge concerning the awesome animal they beheld in front of them. How does one train a dolphin to do this trick or that? In the sea of questions, my mind deviated from the mean. I interjected, “How do you condition the dolphins to do a fluke present for blood drawls? Or remain calm for gastric tube insertion?” While the other interns were enthusiastic about becoming trainers and learning to command the dolphins to perform behaviors for guests, I found myself more excited by the anatomical make-up of the dolphins and animals with which we were working at Discovery Cove, and by the vascular structure of the dolphins and sting rays, as well as, where one might draw a cysto urine collection or perform an ultrasound during pregnancy. It was at this point that I realized that while I enjoyed working with the animals in training and husbandry positions, only the technical and intellectual aspects of the veterinary field would satiate my hunger for knowledge and the passion that I have for medicine.

​Throughout life, I have always known that I would pursue a career working with animals. Until I was nine I was convinced that that career would be a jockey, but with consistent reminders that I would grow too large achieve that goal, those dreams took a new form, that of a veterinarian. Throughout adolescence I spent much of my time going to the aid of injured animals. Whether it be kittens left on the driveway by ill-prepared mother cats, or baby bunnies left for dead by predators in the yard, I was always the veterinary mind in the family that nursed life back into the sick and gave hope to the apparently hopeless cases that stumbled across our path. My mother, being a nurse herself, consistently took up the challenges I brought home with me, reminding me that all life had value and that while I may not always be successful in saving that life, my hand can be the healing and changing force that makes a difference in the outcome.

​As my future came into being, so to speak, I found myself on the traditional path toward a profession in veterinary medicine, enrolling in a university with good veterinary school acceptance rates and studying the core pre-veterinary curriculum. I was academically and professionally determined, participating in the highly selective Kentucky Biomedical Research Infrastructure Network Program, as well as an internship with the Cincinnati Zoo in which I acted as an animal care intern, giving me a particular interest in zoological/wildlife medicine. I held a veterinary assistant position at an Animal Hospital for a year and a half, which allowed me to gain experience and knowledge of the domestic veterinary field in practice. Working at Silver Creek Animal Hospital afforded me with a background in a mixed (small/large) practice that specialized with cats, dogs and horses. This setting presented a variety of challenges– the typical routine visits, but also surgeries, and emergency medicine. On one occasion, I helped treat a lab with three gunshot wounds, one thru the skull and two others that hit the thoracic and abdominal regions. When he made it through our efforts, I knew he truly earned his name, Zeus. While the experiences at Silver Creek exposed me to only a small portion of veterinary medicine, it was a greatly enlightening and affirming experience toward my professional aspirations in veterinary medicine.

Along the way, however, family tragedies and personal issues posed as substantial stumbling blocks toward achieving my goals. During the periods in which my family struggled with the extended hospitalization and eventual passing of two of my grandparents, as well as my sister fighting to beat breast cancer, my life became so burdened with external anxieties that my grades suffered accordingly and my occupational resolve was shaken for a time. Discouragement by what I thought would be unsatisfactory marks for acceptance into veterinary school resulted in the consideration of simply embarking into a career in the zoological field, rather than pursing my dreams of veterinary medicine.

​After graduation, I accepted an internship position with Discovery Cove Seaworld in Orlando, FL as an animal training intern. While I loved working in the zoological field, I didn’t feel satisfied by the position because although I was working with animals, my passions were firmly rooted in medicine. Something was missing. I found myself asking “What is keeping you from realizing your dreams?” When I discussed this with a supervisor, he asked me the same question, offering encouraging stories of dolphin trainers within the company who, while facing similar adversities as myself, less than perfect grades or academic records, were accepted into veterinary school based on their passion and their experience. At that point I knew the only thing holding me back from my dreams of becoming a veterinarian was fear of rejection. With the encouragement of family, friends, coworkers, and past employers, I have found the courage to truly pursue my career goals.

​In the end, I feel that the moments of uncertainty on my path have reinforced my purpose and, ultimately, provided me with affirmation that the veterinary field is where I am meant to be. Through the somewhat circuitous path taken, I have gained a much broader understanding of veterinary medicine and the veterinary field, as well as confidence in my own abilities and in my career choices. The path less followed is often the most rewarding, and while I have come across my fair share of toils and snares, I feel I am finally on the path to fulfilling my passions in medicine and becoming a veterinarian.

I will no longer be defined by you

I have come to the realization that I let him define who I was. I let him define who I thought I should be. And I let him belittle who I was to begin with by changing to try to be someone that I am obviously not...I am not going to be defined by anyone's standards but my own anymore. I am what I am, and I like who I am. If who I am is not who you want, then I will have to deal with that, but changing myself to be who you want me to be is not healthy nor does it make me happy. My life is so much more awesome without your filthy hands at play trying to change it. If you don't fit into the big picture, then I'm sure there was a reason for us, even if it was simply to humble me and make me less of an asshole...bending like a contortionist for you definitely gave me some perspective concerning how I used to treat people. And I'm never going to treat anyone that way again, nor will I continue being treated that way. Some things simply are not okay and that is one of them. I will not let you mold me into who you want anymore. I miss wearing chuck taylor sneakers and I miss playing guitar and I miss who I used to be. I love my new athletic side too, but I lost the most fulfilling parts of my life trying to be who you wanted me to be. I'm not doing it anymore.

Coffee and cigarettes...

My therapist said I need to see an eating disorder specialist. I really need help, so I'm willing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KFhwY24Q5pc&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Life

Life is confusing. I'm praying he changes his heart.

I'm at Berea coffee and tea doing homework. Fun times.

Depression

I feel like I'm in hell

Love and loss

Life is lonely. Stephen and I broke up last saturday night. He is still talking to me, but the fact that he doesn't know If he wants to be with me should be enough to tell me it's not going to work. Why the hell do I have to love him so much? I hate it. He's jerking me around so much and blaming everything on me. It's not just me. It's killing me inside...

I love him. I wish there were a way to go back in time and not let it go wrong. Not have him change. Not have him quit pretending to be exactly who I wanted to be with. I loved that guy. The new guy is an asshole and all we do is fight. It's hard to tell myself he pretended to be someone else for a year and a half and this is really who he is. I think parts of the person I love are still in there, I just don't know how to get them back