Stephen

Talked to Stephen today for the first time since thursday. We're taking a break for a few weeks to figure things out and cool off...I don't know right now what will happen. I'm just going to focus on myself for the next few weeks

Tough night

I contemplated very seriously committing suicide...matt and Becky pulled me through it. I'm too much of a coward...I'm afraid i wouldn't die and then I'd have to deal with the repercussions of my actions--forever scarred wrist ligaments, nerve damage, scars, social shunning, etc...

I cried in bible study and with Bethany. She has a huge mouth, but a great heart. I shouldn't have told get about things, but desperation to be told I would be okay drove me to reach out.

Stephen

I would really have given him anything...and honestly I know we would have eventually been as happy a we used to be if we would have stayed on this track...he just walked away for no reason today...I think the scare and the negative made him run honestly. There still is no definitive answer...he has decided he doesn't want me....why I really don't know...things were so much better...I don't know what to do...I feel like trying to plead my case that things and old feelings were coming up and that I could see us just as happy as before, but he didn't give it time

The last 3 weeks he's kept me at arms length and we can't make things better when you won't let me in...ugh...I wish I could have gotten that through to him

Same day same crap

He ended it and said he was done for good...I am not handling things well...it's so painful when you really think you've found the one and he doesn't feel that way about you...I know god is working and I really felt confidently he was the one...i'm just trying to have faith if it's meant to be, then he will come back into my life when we are ready. I'm not going to let it kill me inside right now...I need to have faith in god...

I have decided I may not go back to the counselor about the eating disorder...I only went because Stephen said I had to or he wouldn't even consider dating me...and now without the purpose to satisfy I feel like the purpose has shifted to me actually needing help...and the fact is, I don't really want help...i would rather waste away to nothingness...it's the only thing no one has control over except me...and I'm keeping it...

I really want this

I think I have hyperthyroidism...I really do. I think I'm dying.

I desperately want to marry stephen honestly...I love him so much...and it's killing me to be in this position. I put on a ring of my step mom's and I couldn't take it off...all I want is to get married and live happily ever after. I dont know why it can't be that simple ugh.

It's frustrating

I went down to Stephen's last night and we had a good night; but at the end of the night, like last time he just went to his own bedroom after I put a lot of effort into getting there early, cleaning and setting up a cute tent thing in the guest bedroom. And then he just went to bed without even caring...

I went and tried to sleep in the car because I didn't want to support him being so bossy and controlling. He just told me he was going to bed and ignored me after I wnt to all that trouble of making a nice night.

Ugh. We took a nap together in his bed...still no touching, but he did tell me he wasn't opposed to me cuddling him because I told him "you better get up or I'll cuddle you til you do, and you don't want me to cuddle you." he smiled and said he never said that. It's quite confusing for me.

I try so hard and I'm still always at arm's length.

Timeline

It took me 6 months to date him because he looked like an asshole

It took me a month and a half of dating to put a title on things and to kiss him

It took me 3-4 months to tell him I loved him

But it took us no time at all to flirt, to touch, to be close...this is torture being always an arms length away. You either want someone or you don't. And I genuinely feel that if you want someone there is no way you can't be longing to touch them or hold them or kiss them...this whole relationship is crap right now. I'm not letting him jerk me around anymore. I'm done being jerked around! I gave him an ultimatum last night and I'm going to hold to it. He needs to make a decision. Either he wants me or he doesn't. I'm done with the in-between. I'm not letting him play with my head anymore. That is not going to happen again. I am making him make a decision. I don't know what I will do if he doesnt choose me, but I am done with the inbetween bullshit. It's killing me

Set up the new tv

After months and months and months of owning this tv I finally set it up.

Stephen and I had a big argument today. I hate how I just let him walk all over me by the end of the day...we had plans, he waited til 5:30 to call me, eventhough you can't fish at night. 5:30...and so obviously I was angry. By the end of the fight, it was another of Stephen's infamous "I don't want to talk about 'what I've done wrong', you were bitching at me" scenarios. And he threatened to end it again, as always when I get mad over him doing things wrong. It's just not fair to be put through this over and over again. The fight was just slightly smoothed over at 1:10 in the morning...he spent 8 hours running and avoiding me, or yelling at me and saying it was my fault. He ruined the entire night for both of us.